Of the nearly 40 blogs I have now written, the one on pastors’ kids evoked more interaction than any other – because, I believe the pastor and his family often feel more pressure than they deserve. With this relentless stress in mind, I’m venturing to write on the “pastor’s wife” with grace and candor. 

As with most things I blog about, this conversation is very personal to me, because, of course, my wife is married to a pastor and so is my mom. I do not want this discussion to come across as a gripe fest, because my wife has been loved, encouraged, and able to be herself in the churches we have served. 

However, I want to share just a few things a church and its members should consider in relating to a pastor’s wife, because honestly few people know what it is like to be in a pastor’s home. Unless you hear it straight from the horse’s mouth, how could you know? So here goes.

First of all, it’s interesting that the Bible is silent when it comes to expectations of an elder’s wife or as we would more commonly say, a pastor’s wife. The Biblical qualifications for elders and deacons are laid out clearly in 1 Timothy 3, and 1 Timothy 3:11 also states that deacons’ wives “must be dignified, not slanderers, but sober-minded, faithful in all things.” Yet, the elder’s wife is not mentioned.

I do not believe that the lack of a list of “qualifications” for elders’ spouses indicates that they are expected to be celibate. On the contrary, Paul states in the same passage that elders are to have their homes in good order, with their children in subjection to them. If an elder doesn’t have a wife, he wouldn’t have children. 

One suggestion for addressing this issue is that the same qualifiers laid out for deacons’ wives also apply to elders’ spouses. And though an ironclad connection cannot be made here, that certainly does not mean that we should not have anything to say as to the qualifications and or expectations of an elders’ wife. 

Clearly, a pastor’s wife should meet the standards of any upstanding church member: has made a profession of faith and been baptized, attends church regularly, and follows the leadership of the elders. No complaints yet, right?! 

And since the pastor is to be an example to the flock, I don’t think we are out of bounds to suggest that his wife ought to be an example of Christian piety as well. I’m not talking about perfection, but rather a measure of maturity and a sincere love for Christ. 

Yet it would be out of bounds to expect TOO much of a pastor’s wife. Biblical knowledge, appearance, or involvement in a particular ministry are all areas in which a pastor’s wife can be, and often is, overly and even harshly judged. Sometimes, she feels under unfair scrutiny because of the way her kids act and wonders who is whispering, “I figured the pastor's kids would know better than that.” 

At one point, I heard through word of mouth that some people were complaining that after my wife had a baby, and when we lived more than an hour away from church, she was not “involved enough.” Let’s just say my human nature came out upon hearing this commentary. 

Honestly, criticisms of this nature have been few and far between in our ministry, but it is no wonder why families want to leave the ministry when they feel they are getting “chewed up” by the flock. And when such gossip or slander, and that is all it is – does arise, it should be called out and repented of.

Again, the pastor’s spouse should certainly be a faithful Christian. Certainly, she should be a disciple. Certainly, she should be giving and serving in various capacities. Why? Because she too is a part of the church. 

But she is not a part of the eldership, so don’t expect it out of her. Don’t judge her gifts, ability, and involvement by what you have seen other pastor’s wives do. Frankly, it is the responsibility of the elders to lead the church. And it is the responsibility of the pastor and his wife to determine her level of involvement or lack thereof. This should not offend you, but I am ok if it does. It is none of your business what the pastor’s wife does in the church, so don’t make it yours. 

A second point to consider about a pastor’s wife is that she is often cut off from the ministry provided by the body of Christ. Specifically, she does not receive the support other members do to care for her hurting soul, and feels isolated and alone. 

When things are not going great in your life, family or even the church you are welcome to talk to the pastor or his wife. Who does the pastor’s wife go to? Praise God for healthy churches where there are multiple elders which would hypothetically mean there would be multiple elders’ wives. But what about the church that only has one elder, or just a few?

At times her own husband lets her down and does not love her as he should. I know that there have been times in my ministry that I was so “busy” attending to the bride of Christ that I neglected to be there for my own. Fellow pastors and church members, this is also a sin and must be repented of. 

Pastor’s wives are also often used (and abused) by members as an avenue to get to the pastor to get some pet project done.  Or as a punching bag by prideful people to exert their dominance or to try and hurt the pastor by hurting her. 

Last of all, she often feels compared to others. For the most part, while they may be stronger in one area or another, pastors have more or less the same gifting. Teaching is what they are called to do in the church. Maybe public teaching is one pastor’s bread and butter.  Another’s might be one-on-one teaching (counseling) or semi-public teaching in small groups. 

But I do not believe there is anywhere in the Bible that lays out what a pastor’s wife’s gifts will be. Perhaps she is quiet and reserved. Perhaps she is outgoing and never met a stranger. Perhaps she can teach. Perhaps she can’t. Maybe she has the mind of a Bible scholar. Maybe she doesn’t. Maybe she can play the piano. Maybe she can’t. In all reality, who cares! The point is that it is unfair to judge a pastor's wife because her gifting is not what you have seen from others. 

To reiterate: I do not want this to come across with an edge. However, the local church needs someone to tell it like it is. If you have a pastor who preaches the Bible, praise God. Just remember that while the one who serves along with the pastor, his wife, is in the shadows and gets very few “props” for the “success” of his ministry, if she were not there as his helper, he could not do it at all.

Your pastor’s wife sticks with him when no one else does. She encourages his spirit when he is down. I think when we get to the celestial shores, we will see that the most unsung hero in the history of the church is the pastor’s wife. She may not get the credit down here but rest assured, the eye of God sees all, knows all and will reward all who are faithful. 

Friends, it indeed takes a tough hide and a tender heart to live life in the goldfish bowl of pastoral ministry. So be very careful to not be more judgmental of these special women than God Himself is. Rather, encourage, love, and seek to bless your pastor’s wife!

Soli Deo Gloria