The teenage years are ones that, if honest, most parents will admit they dread. Why? We all know about the  vulnerabilities of teen life and remember our own struggles during those formative years. Many people have told me that they would not go back and relive their teen years for “all the money in the world,” a sentiment with which I heartily concur (and we’re only slightly exaggeratingTry and remember those days for a moment. If you were like me, in your teen years you would think things like,

My teeth are not white enough!
I wish I had more muscles.
I wish I was cool like so and so.
If I don’t do this risky thing right now, my friends will think I’m a loser.
I wonder if that guy is going to beat me to a pulp today like he said he was going to do yesterday.
Why do I look this way?
Will I ever be happy?
My parents do not understand me.
I wish everyone would leave me alone so I could do what I want.

I even experienced conviction of sin in my conscience and fear of Hell, but I loved my sin too much to quit. 

Many teenagers experiment with drugs, sex, alcohol or any number of things to hide the pain during these years. If we remember how tumultuous those days were for us, should this not give us a measure of empathy for our own offspring? 

We entered teenage parenting a few years ago and I must confess it is different. Not bad at all - but different. Everyone knows you cannot apply the same parenting skills to your children’s teenage years as you did in their pre-adolescence stage. The goals are the same for sure, but the methods will need to be tweaked a touch. More discernment is required. More wisdom, and at times tact, is needed. I can confess I have not made every right decision along the way and have had to ask my teenage children to forgive me. 

But here is my bottom-line counsel for parents with teens or kids approaching teen years:

DO NOT DISENGAGE. 

REPEAT: DO NOT DISENGAGE.

Your child needs you more now, at the age of 13 or 17, than they ever did when they were smaller. Yet the teenage years are also ripe for discipleship to Jesus. 

Here are a few things to consider about our responsibility to shepherd our teens alongside the joy of parenting them. 

First, allow them to talk about whatever they want to talk about. It is inevitable that if 10 parents read this blog in this culture, at least one, if not all, of them will be asked “what is wrong with a person being gay?” Or “can a boy become a girl, and why is that wrong?” Friends, this is the culture we live in, and you want them to talk to you about this, not look it up on the internet or ask their cronies at school. 

Be brutally honest and open with them about your own failures in your teen years, and give them truthful answers about anything they want to ask. Don’t freak out when they ask the hard questions. Let them talk, do a lot of listening, then you talk. 

James 1:19-20 could be theme verses for parenting teens: 19 “ Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; 20 for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.” Reread those sage words, and let them marinate in your soul for a minute. 

Second: actively disciple them by reading books with them. The most effective way to disciple our kids is by how we live and our unscripted conversations in moments of parenting. But helping them read enriching, informative and doctrinally sound materials now will help them process the worldview you are trying to teach them. This approach is one we are trying to take with our kids. Books on becoming a man, becoming a woman, self-image, pornography, and their personal relationship with Christ are out there and if you ask your pastor, he can help get you to some truly helpful resources. 

An especially helpful method to follow is to have your child read one chapter in a book chosen by you (or a topic chosen by them) and write out his or her thoughts on some predetermined questions.  Take your young one out for dinner or ice cream and just sit and talk. You may walk away thinking, “that went nowhere.” Maybe it didn’t from what you can see. But setting aside that much time in your busy schedule to go out with your teenager will reinforce your love for her or him. Try to talk to your children about their lives, your life, and just have fun while you try and disciple them. You might respond, “I do not have time for this!” I know you don’t think you do, but a few years from now, you and I will both wish we had sacrificed a little bit more and made time. Your child is worth it! 

If your kids do not have time to do the reading due to schoolwork and extracurricular activities, you may want to do the reading yourself, answer some questions you want to talk about, and read portions of the book together while you are out. You know your kid best, but try and do something to help them! 

Third, don’t let them skip church and stay home on Sundays. Teenage years may be a time when parents hear, “I do not want to go to church today.” What do you do? I have had parents tell me over the years, “Well, I don’t want to force them.” I would guarantee these same parents would make their kids go to school, work (if they had a job), or the doctor even if they did not want to. Sorry, Charlie, but you can’t let them off the hook that easily. Your kids need to be in church with you as long as they are still viewed as your responsibility. At some point once they have graduated high school but are still in the house, you may let them go to another church in town that both of you could agree on. But do not give in to their pleas of “I do not want to go this week.” If your kids walk away from Christianity, it will not be because you made them go to church during their teen years. 

As parents of teens, these are uncharted waters for us. But remember, as Paul David Tripp’s book title suggests, the teen years are the “Age of Opportunity” in raising your kids. You are here at this time, and God did not give you this child to let him or her go his or her own way upon hitting 13. He will equip you and give you wisdom. Stay faithful to Jesus, stay in church, develop community with other believers you can be vulnerable with (seek advice from them), read some books (like the one mentioned above), and pray pray pray for your kid! 

Soli Deo Gloria