When our kids are small, we emphasize the importance of choosing good friends. As they grow older, we redouble our efforts, reminding them, “Birds of a feather flock together.” But what about adult friendships? Even as we grow in discernment and wisdom, we still need friends who can see the blind spots we miss. True friends, especially as Christians, are vital in helping us walk with God and avoid pitfalls in our lives.

What is a True Friend?

A friend is more than someone you enjoy spending time with. Friendship goes beyond shared interests or hobbies. A true friend is someone you share a close relationship with, someone you can be transparent with, and someone who tells you the truth—even when it’s hard.
For Christians, a godly friend is someone who helps you grow in Christlikeness. They are not merely a companion but a partner in your spiritual journey, someone who bears your burdens and challenges you to be better. Friendship, in its truest sense, must include truth-telling, encouragement, and accountability.

The Story of Amnon and Jonadab

Few stories in Scripture highlight the dangers of ungodly friendships as vividly as the narrative in 2 Samuel 13. Here, we see the tragic consequences of Amnon’s sinful desires and his friendship with Jonadab, described as “a very crafty man” (v. 3).

Amnon, a son of David, developed an obsessive lust for his half-sister Tamar. The text describes him as “tormented to the point of illness” (v. 2). Yet, rather than resisting these sinful desires, Amnon confided in his friend Jonadab. Instead of rebuking Amnon or pointing him to righteousness, Jonadab devised a wicked plan to help Amnon fulfill his lust.

Following Jonadab’s advice, Amnon faked an illness, lured Tamar into his presence, and raped her despite her desperate pleas. Afterward, he discarded her in shame. The consequences of this sin were devastating: Tamar’s life was shattered, and Absalom, her brother, later murdered Amnon in revenge.
This story is a sobering reminder of how the friends we choose can either help us resist sin or pave the way for destruction.

Lessons on Friendship from Amnon and Jonadab

As I reflected on this passage, several insights stood out:

1. “Birds of a Feather Flock Together”
Why was Amnon friends with Jonadab in the first place? If Jonadab was known as a crafty, slimy man, surely others were aware of his character. The answer is simple: Amnon saw something in Jonadab that resonated with his own sinful nature.

The reality is, we have certain goals in mind for choosing the people we hang around. Let’s be honest here. Friendship provides us things we cannot get on our own. That is not a statement of selfishness or self-serving completely. Marriage is the same way. However, I think there is a clear difference between needing people and using people. Adam needed a wife before he was a sinner. It highlights our need for relationships and dependency on others. But the only reason Amnon would keep a reprobate around him like Jonadab is because he was one himself. Amnon didn’t choose Jonadab because of godly qualities but because Jonadab could help him fulfill sinful desires he couldn’t achieve alone. This highlights the danger of surrounding ourselves with people who feed our sinful tendencies rather than challenge them.
Friendship often provides us with things we can’t achieve on our own, and that’s not inherently bad. God created us for relationships and community. However, we must discern whether those relationships are leading us toward righteousness or sin.

2. The Role of a True Friend
Imagine how different the story might have been if Jonadab had responded with godly rebuke instead of sinful schemes. Instead of encouraging Amnon’s lust, a true friend would have confronted him with the seriousness of his sin.

Sinful desires are like walking on thin ice—testing the waters step by step. A godly friend is someone who stops you before the ice breaks, pointing you back to Christ and helping you see the path to repentance.
It’s easy to distance ourselves from this story and think, “I would never do what Amnon and Jonadab did.” But the truth is, without the restraining power of the Holy Spirit and the influence of godly friends, we are capable of any sin.

Choosing Friends Wisely

As Christians, the people we choose to bring close will profoundly shape our lives. Here are two key principles to keep in mind when building friendships:

1. Look for Friends Who Love God More Than They Love You
True friends prioritize your spiritual growth over your comfort. They won’t simply tell you what you want to hear—they’ll tell you what you need to hear, even when it’s difficult.

For leaders, this is especially important. Surround yourself with people who are loyal to Christ above their loyalty to you. Beware of “yes men” who only affirm you, as their motives may be self-serving. Seek friends who will lovingly challenge you to grow in righteousness.

2. Surround Yourself with People Who Inspire Christlikeness
Do your friends make you feel comfortable staying as you are, or do they encourage you to strive for greater Christlikeness? Avoid the tendency to gravitate toward people who make you feel superior or only affirm your weaknesses.

Instead, seek out friends who push you to grow spiritually, intellectually, and emotionally—even if it’s uncomfortable.

Balancing Friendships with the Ungodly

As Christians, we are called to love everyone and to be kind and truthful to all. However, true friendship should be reserved for those who share your commitment to Christ.

There’s a sacredness to friendship—it’s not a broad border but a close circle. While you can establish acquaintanceships with unbelievers, your closest relationships should be with godly people who spur you on in faith.

A Final Encouragement

The principles in this blog should help us think deeply about the importance of friendship. By God’s grace, find those few godly friendships and invest in them. Be a friend who lovingly confronts sin and points others to Christ, and surround yourself with people who do the same for you.

Friendship is a gift, but it’s also a responsibility. Choose wisely, invest intentionally, and glorify God in the relationships you cultivate.

Soli Deo Gloria